Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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