So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
