I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i love accidental penises.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
