Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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