there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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