My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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