You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
