I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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