shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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