The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We need to get me chipped asap
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
