mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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