you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
