Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
