Moan for me like Helen Keller
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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