so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
