i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
