were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
