That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
