well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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