did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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