I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
