You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
