Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
