Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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