Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
