I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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