Dude my mom stole all your condoms
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
