ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
