i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
