You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
