We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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