I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
