i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
