my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
