rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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