he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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