I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
