Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
