I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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