Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
