You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
