I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
