Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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