Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
