that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
