when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
