I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
