glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
