they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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