The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
