God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
3 2 1 whiskey
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
